That's it. I've just been reading the news, and we're done for. These video games are going to be the death of us all. I for one regret my life spent in shame. Why did I not see the end coming?
This was reported on CBS, so you know it's true -- Health Alert: Pulling the Plug on Video Games. They have used incredible scientific methods to find out that video games are unhealthy; why, just look at this irrefutable evidence:
Parents: does your child blink excessively? Does he blink even at the kitchen table? If so, he may have a disease known as THE VIDEO GAMES. There is no cure.
The article goes on to list some activities you can do with your kids to "keep them video-game free." This is a big step from simply suggesting that kids exercise more. This is actually suggesting that kids should do anything other than video games. Here are some of the helpful suggestions!
Call a friend! This isn't even a suggestion like "go play soccer in the backyard." Calling a friend is exactly the same sort of lazy sitting-around behavior that promotes childhood obesity. "If you feel the urge to [blank], call a friend" is the kind of advice you give to ALCOHOLICS.
Great! More than likely the kid's favorite music is about shooting prostitutes, too.
Okay, but why does 'dodge ball' get its own item?
What the hell? From here the list spirals into a kind of ridiculous that even I can't comprehend. At any rate, at least this article doesn't get into the whole "games turn your kid into a killer" argument. It only suggests that your kids will become paralyzed from playing violent video games. No, seriously.
Sweet jumping Jesus. Apparently I am lucky that I can still move my limbs after my life spent in sin. Actually, though, I don't think that was what the doctor was warning. Note that he said "violent events," not "Counter-Strike." A violent event would be if the kid witnessed a prostitute getting murdered in real life, not hearing about one in a song/rap.
