Spy Kids

Have Greta Von Sustern and Rita Cosby convinced you that child predators lurk under every school desk?

Are you convinced by overblown and misleading missing children statistics that your child is going to be stolen by a gruesome predator living on the next block?

Feel like being big brother to your little son?

Easily convinced that an acronym you don't understand is the technological solution to the possibility that your parish priest likes to touch small boys?

Willing to shell out hard-earned cash to assuage your fears?

Try out CatTrax, a $20 a month add on to a GPS-enabled phone that you hand to your kid. The service reports his location back to you via text message or through a website.

Think of it as surveillance training for a kid who is growing up in a world where almost all of us walk around with a voice-enabled tracking device in our pockets.

Some snippets from the FAQ:

Q: What is the appropriate age level for a CATS GPS cell phone?

A: Because we allow you, the parent, to set the appropriate parameters for what functions to allow the child to use, this tool is appropriate for ages 5 and up. In fact, we believe that every school-age child in America should have a CATS GPS Locator Phone.

Q: How can the CATS Phone solve the problem of lost children?

A: National statistics show that a child is reported missing every 8 seconds in America, or about 800,000 per year. There is no greater fear for parents than their child being missing, whether because they are lost or abducted. The CATS GPS tracking and location devices are the best solution available to keep children from becoming missing.

Cheaper DIY solution? Next time don't cut the umbilical cord.