Considering how much finagling and finessing people will do to make time for an online lover, it surprises me when I talk to people who dislike the idea of scheduling sex in offline relationships.
In fact, scheduling sex -- not just time to be together with the understanding that sex might arise, but actually saying "we will start nookie at 9 a.m. Saturday" -- is so taboo, some couples refuse to do it.
I've been thinking about this ever since a reader e-mailed to tell me how hot his sex life has become since he and his wife began scheduling it ("Wednesdays and Saturdays"). This letter came right on the heels of Seska telling me that she looks forward to her Tuesday night webcam shows because they guarantee focused intimacy with her husband.
The reader says: "I know, it's not (a new idea) and has been the standard strategy for busy couples/parents for a long time now, but I always resisted, as did my wife. Sex should be crazy, naughty, and spontaneous ... right?"
I have no idea where that expectation comes from. I encounter it all the time, and it still baffles me. No one blinks if you designate certain times for meals or television or spa appointments, but if you schedule lovemaking, suddenly you have taken all the impulsive joy out of sex?
"The idea that good sex is spontaneous is tied, at least in part, to the idea that good sex can't or shouldn't be fully described," says sex educator Cory Silverberg. "This myth serves at least two important societal purposes. It prevents us from ever talking openly, explicitly and honestly about sex (you'll ruin the trick if you know how it's done!). And it ensures that the status quo is maintained. If it's meant to be spontaneous than we don't even need to talk about it."
I don't get it. Unless you've turned sex into a chore based on basal temperature and ovulation cycles and ticking-clock panic, I just can't figure out how assigning days and times takes anything away from the connection. In my experience, scheduled sex is just as good as (often better than) the impromptu stuff.
Maybe that's one reason I've had successful sexual relationships online.
Online lovers know the importance of scheduling -- especially if you're in different time zones. You need to know when you can reasonably expect to meet up, lest one pine at the keyboard while the other is away working or socializing or just not in the mood to log on.
You schedule chat times and let each other know whether you will be home alone or otherwise sexually available; you say whether you're both available for webcams and voice or just a quick text conversation; you arrange your schedule so your chores are done and you can come to the computer relaxed and ready.
Offline, I like the same kind of assurance. Maybe it's because I live in two cities, and balance several projects at a time, and have what amounts to a long-distance relationship with the boyfriend.
Or maybe it's just my natural inclination to want to look forward to things without feeling like I'm constantly rebalancing my workload and my emotions. It's not that sex wouldn't happen if I didn't plan for it -- but it would not happen as consistently. There's always one more paragraph to write, one more client to answer, one more deadline to meet or obligation to fulfill or demand to acknowledge.
Even as I write this, I feel a little sad, a little rueful. It's not that those things are more important or even more fun -- although to be honest, they often seem more immediate. It's just that when I'm in heads-down writer mode, it's not always easy to drop everything and switch into sexy mode.
I'll never forget what Marty Klein said at a recent seminar: "Americans have sex when we're tired."
When we can't possibly send another e-mail, surf to another website, pay another bill, make another phone call, watch another television show, we go to bed and wonder why we don't feel up to sex. And that's not even mentioning the demands of jobs, housekeeping and caring for kids and elderly parents.
When I realized that the boyfriend and I were sliding into that pattern, falling into bed too exhausted to play, I started making him do me as soon as he walks in my door rather than wait until after dinner and wine. (He seemed to find this exotic. But I haven't noticed any objections.)
"I prefer spontaneity, because there is just something very satisfying about connecting with a lover in an intense, immediate manner," says one of the men in the Sex Drive forum. "But that doesn't mean you can't prepare for it."
Another Sex Drive forum member says that he doesn't mind scheduling sex "as long as it's not 'we'll have sex every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday from 6:15 to 7.' But saying we'll be home around 7, eat dinner and go straight to bed, that's just fine."
Maybe my disconnect is with the term "scheduling." Maybe if I rephrased my question and asked, "Do you make it a priority to take time out for sex, rather than just expect it to happen any old time?" the answers would be different.
"I suspect one of the 'hidden' resentments about scheduling sex is that by the time a couple needs to do that, they need to schedule a lot of other things in their lives," says research psychoanalyst Paul Joannides, author of the Guide to Getting It On. "So maybe scheduling sex becomes symbolic of just how unspontaneous our lives can become in such a short time."
If you don't live with your lover, or if you're dating or you have multiple partners, sex is almost always on a schedule. That is, you make plans to see each other, and you bring condoms and whatever other items you need, just in case.
It's when you move in together that you start thinking that sex can happen any time, so there's no need to schedule it. And then if you're busy people, because sex can happen at any time, it starts happening at no time.
Sex educator and Playgirl columnist Jamye Waxman believes that making an appointment for sex can become part of foreplay. "If you know you're going to go home and get laid, then you can think about the how and where all day at work," she says. "You can set the mood, plan it out and prepare a little more."
The most common theme in the forum, though, seems to be "plan for sex, but don't expect it." And that's where I feel ... let down? I would like to expect it, and to know when to expect it, and to expect my partner to expect it.
And then also to have sex when I'm least expecting it, too, as the frosting on the cake.
That's been my experience online and I see nothing wrong with bringing some of that dedication offline.
"I can come up behind her on a day that's not a 'sex day' and she knows I'm cuddling, kissing or fondling because I love her and want to be close to her, not because I'm trying to get her to have sex," writes the Sex Drive reader.
"When we have our 'sex nights' she seems way more into it and the sex has been great. We went from spending most nights keeping as much space between us as possible on the bed to spooning all the time."
And you know what? He reports that they've had sex -- spontaneously -- on other days, too.
See you next Friday,
Regina Lynn
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Regina Lynn works to deadlines, not standard business hours. That makes it important to designate days and times for sex, because you can't count on her wrapping things up by six on a regular basis. You can e-mail her at [email protected].
