With a dull thud, you look down and see that a newly born infant has hit the floor beneath your feet, its fall cushioned by the pillow-like plushness of its soft, liquid-filled skull.
Huh, you think to yourself. You didn't even know you were pregnant. Sure, you'd noticed a few stomach cramps, but a combination of both morbid obesity and morbid promiscuity had caused you to fail to link a drunken fling nine months ago with the morning nauseousness you'd simply chalked up to last night's bottle of JD.
You are not pleased. An infant will be a tedious chore in your life: a strict regimen of boozing and soaps leaves no time to cuddle the tiny, mewling flesh turd that you spontaneously evacuated. Yet picking it up by its ankles and flushing it down the toilet would not be wise: you are savvy enough to realize that an infant in a welfare society has marked fiduciary benefits. How to nurture the small purple goblin into a semblance of sentience with the minimum amount of effort required?
Congratulations, Mommy! You're in luck! The Zaky Infant Pillow is a set of creepy, disembodied muppet hands that will cradle your baby's head and butt without you actually having to go through the effort of holding him. Still, babies aren't total suckers: Zaky suggests spraying it with your scent so the baby doesn't get clued in to the farce. So you might want to douse it in cheap vodka and Beefaroni before you employ this wonderful device that saves a parent some of the labor of actually cradling their child themselves.
Zaky Infant Pillow [Pregnancy Store]
