Editor's note: Some links in this story lead to adult material and are not suitable for viewing at work. All links of this nature will be noted with "NSFW" after them."It doesn't feel quite like a human vagina, but I could almost accept it as an alien vagina," said Volunteer A. "It was easy to suspend disbelief and convince myself that I was touching something organic."
"Note the narrow waist of the plastic shell body. That creates a Venturi effect," said Volunteer B. "Like the carburetor of a combustion engine."
This is what happens when your sex-toy product testers are geeks.
You have asked me, by the hundreds, what sex toys I suggest for men; some of you have expressed frustration at the limited array designed for you. Women definitely have the advantage when it comes to adaptive technology for sex!
So when the Nue personal pleasure device for men appeared in my mailbox, I examined it with careful attention. Liking what I saw, I then recruited three volunteers -- two men and a woman -- and subjected the device to a number of highly personal tests.
(Yes, only two men, because I only had two test units. One works with what one has.)
The Nue is similar to the Tenga (NSFW) masturbation sleeves only available in Japan (alas!). Both are disposable devices ingeniously designed to provide both suction and tactile stimulation. When you're done, you toss it in the trash; no mess, no cleaning and no startling the other denizens of your house when they empty the dishwasher.
The Nue's developers promote the product as a safer-sex alternative, for partner use in situations where one lover has a contagious condition that makes penetration risky. You don't have to worry about sterilizing the sleeve for next time, and you don't share the toy or the bodily fluids, but you can share the sexual experience.
But I see this type of product catching on with long-distance lovers and cyberlovers, too. All you need to do is invent a rack to hold it so you can keep both hands free, and then add Skype, Second Life or your connectivity of choice.
And if you're like Volunteer A, what better accompaniment to your exploration with other sentient species online than a proxy that almost but not quite feels like a real woman?
True to his geek roots, Volunteer B ignored the documentation and hacked the device by rinsing it out and using it again the next morning with another dose of lube. So far, Nothing Bad Has Happened to him, but we're keeping watch.
We all liked the Nue's form factor. It's lightweight and fits nicely in the hand, with a smooth "eggshell" outer tube and a nubbly, soft, feminine inner core. It has a deliberately medical look and feel, entirely soft white, versus the sexy red and silver of the Tenga. (Volunteer A commented that it looked like something out of 2001: A Space Odyssey, illustrating by moving it end-over-end through the air in slow motion while humming "Also Sprach Zarathustra" (.wav)
Frankly, the Nue just feels good. The thing molds itself around you -- my female friend and I couldn't stop putting our fingers inside and swirling them around the wet center. We also marveled at the odorless lubricant, a feature Volunteer A praised highly.
At each end is a plastic cap; one is marked "Tight" and the other "Tighter." Independently of each other, both male testers chose the tighter side without the slightest hesitation.
The toy requires at least a partial erection before you can use it. Once you're up and ready, you remove the plastic cap from the desired end and insert yourself.
The first layer you press through is about half an inch of foam, which acts like a reverse sponge, releasing lube onto your penis and into the sheath. After that, you are surrounded by little jelly nubbins that massage, stroke and grip while the shape of the outer shell creates suction. You know, like a carburetor.
Volunteer A found the slurping and sucking noises so distracting that he removed the other end cap to relieve the vacuum, although he agreed with me that it sounded a lot like energetic cunnilingus. Apparently, the sounds felt out of place when masturbating in the front seat of the car.
Volunteer B simply incorporated the aural effects into his fantasy.
As one does when gently pressing one's fingers into a tight, wet cavity, I expected to find warmth, and we girls felt a shock when we encountered the cavelike coolness inside. This did not seem to be a problem for the men. Volunteer A said his Nue warmed up by the third thrust, while Volunteer B, warned ahead of time, set his in front of the furnace for a few minutes and then added more lube when he settled in to use it.
(We were all tempted to put a Nue in the microwave, but none of us wanted to risk having a melted lump of evil in our kitchens during the holidays. If I get a chance to risk someone else's microwave, I'll blog the results.)
Nobody had a perfect experience with the thing. Some of the jelly nubbins rubbed off and remained on the skin when the men extracted themselves after use. It's hard to hold on to the Nue and thrust at the same time. Volunteer A, whose range of motion was already limited by the car, said that a hands-free mount would "greatly improve the user experience."
Volunteer B's test unit had a membrane across the opening -- "like a hymen" -- that required some force to push through. This jammed the plastic outer shell painfully into his flesh; he bumped against the edge several times while using his hips, so eventually he had to hold his pelvis still and just move the device with his hands. "That was less pleasurable and made it more difficult to sustain the mood," he reported.
He suggested the company pad the opening, perhaps with a shape that suggests vulva or buttocks, both for the additional visual stimulation and for the comfort.
Ultimately, both guys said they would recommend the product to others, and that they would buy it "if the price is right." Both preferred it to any of the reusable sleeves they had tried in the past, including the Fleshlight (NSFW). They also appreciated the convenience of not having to clean or maintain the Nue.
But cost is indeed a big drawback. At a $7 suggested retail price, it's too expensive for everyday use for most of us, although it's still cheaper than dinner and a movie -- or even a single-use vibrating ring (see "Things That Go Buzz in the Night").
It seems to me that if you could get the price down to a dollar or two -- and I can see the developers going into cardiac arrest right now -- you could sell thousands of units to denizens of virtual worlds and adult chat rooms.
And sticky keyboards would become a thing of the past.
See you next Friday,
- - -
- A representative for the manufacturer, Gold Family USA, says you will be able to order Nue units from the company website by the end of the month. Meanwhile, signed copies of* The Sexual Revolution 2.0 are available again and can be shipped directly to giftees.
Go Retro: Disconnect to Connect
