According to James Cameron, director of such classic theological treatises as Terminator, Aliens and especially Terminator 2, Jesus Christ died on the cross at Golgotha. On this, both he and the Pope agree. But instead of rising from the grave three days later, pouring himself a cup of coffee and then wandering the countryside inviting disbelievers to jam their index fingers into his crucifixion wounds, Jesus stayed dead and spent the next two millennia rotting in the grave. And bad news, Christians! James Cameron claims to have DNA evidence to prove it.
At a press conference to be held in New York later today, James Cameron and director Simcha Jacobovici are going to attempt to prove that the entire Christian faith is a complete lie. According to their new documentary, Jesus was never resurrected and he had a son with Mary Magdalene. They point to a tomb found by Israeli construction workers over twenty seven years ago. The tomb was filled with 10 stone caskets. Twenty years later, experts had deciphered the names on the tombs: Jesua, son of Joseph, Mary, Mary, Mathew, Jofa and Judah, son of Jesua.
Cameron and Jacobovici claim they have "DNA tests, archeological evidence and Biblical studies" that prove that these coffins belong to Jesus and his family. That, of course, sounds like a total crock: since there's no verifiable bits of Jesus' body floating around, or even relics that may have been touched by him, there is simply no way that these coffins can be scientifically linked to Jesus... if he even existed at all. Although perhaps Cameron and Jacobovici have a surprising revelation in store for us: maybe they've matched the coffin DNA with the Holy Prepuce. Would that prove that the Messianic Jesus was buried in that tomb? No. But it might at least tell us which mummy from which some grave robber chiseled the foreskin to sell at mark up to the Catholic Church.
Also, as Neatorama points out, keep in mind that there's numerous tombs of Jesus flying out around there, from Kashmir to Japan.
Keep watching this space for more. After the press conference, we'll be sure to let you know if we're all meaningless meat puppets whose sad, pointless lives end forever when we die.
Jesus: Tales From The Crypt [Time's Middle East Blog] (Thanks, Keith!)
[Image credit: Slashfilm]
