The Art of Umbrella Dueling

The ultimate weapon of the anachronistic bowlered gentleman: the sword stick. Every man within whose heart lurks the spirit of Victoriana has walked by an antique store at some point or another and seen the dusty diagonal tilt of a sword stick sitting in an umbrella stand in the window. At such moments, the minds race to think about the terrorists threats that could be foiled with such an accouterment, like a Victorian John McClain.

Still, a sword stick qualifies as an illegal concealed weapon in today's society. For those of us who want to have the style of a slender cane but the deadly proficiency of a swordsman, we need to look at the sword stick's less elegant brother, the umbrella, to mete out destruction. Luckily, a remarkable resource has sprung up giving a complete idiot's guide to the noble art of the umbrella duel.

Imagine that you are walking in a lonely part of the country, carrying a light switch or an umbrella, when suddenly a foot-pad bars your way, carrying a stout stick, with which he threatens you. It is obvious that under these conditions if you gave your assailant time to assume the offensive, he would have no difficulty in breaking down any slight guard you might offer, and in felling you to the ground. Knowing this disadvantage, and without giving him time to realise it, you must at once attack.

That is, of course, your cue to snap your umbrella in half and jam the sharp splinters through his eyeballs, puncturing them like skewered grapes. But if you follow the instructions of this remarkable guide, it will hopefully never come to such a situation.

Self-Defense With A Cane [ejmas.com]