Bush Board Backs Wiretaps

A Bush-appointed civil liberties oversight board headed up by a former campaign treasurer for the president which refuses to reveal statistics on the number of Americans spied on without a warrant, holds public meetings where it refuses to take press questions and denies government sunshine requests is set to report to Congress that spying on Americans' communications and financial transactions without court orders does not impinge on citizens' civil liberties.

Citizens around the country reacted with deep relief and in a sign of solidarity removed all curtains from their houses Monday night and posted their passwords on their front door, Passover-style, to show their deep appreciation for the committee's diligence.

In other news, the commission looking into the assassination of George Hammond announced the results of its inquiry:

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been invited here

for the announcement of the inquiry into the death of George Hammond.

A complete transcript of the investigation is in preparation.

This committee has spent six months of investigation,

followed by weeks of hearings.

After careful deliberation,

it has concluded that George Hammond was assassinated by Joseph Frady.

An overwhelming body of evidence

has revealed that Frady was obsessed with the Carroll assassination.

And in his confused and distorted mind

seems to have imagined that Hammond was responsible for the senator's death.

He was equally convinced that Hammond was plotting to kill him.

It is for those reasons that Frady assassinated him.

Although I'm certain that it will do nothing to discourage the conspiracy peddlars,

there is no evidence of a conspiracy

in the assassination of George Hammond.

Those are our findings.

The evidence will be available to you as soon as possible. Thank you.

This is an announcement, gentlemen.

There will be no questions.

Photo: Mark Jones