"Ten Ways EMI Will Be Changed by Its New Owners" by a Former EMI Employee

Here's funny little list of ways in which major label EMI will change after being acquired by the suits at private equity group Terra Firma, from someone who used to work at the label.

10. Cocaine will now be amortized over 4 quarters instead of expensed in the quarter snorted

9. Remixing budgets to be renamed as "B Rounds"

8. Tour support will be funneled through the Cayman Islands

7. Recording contracts to now be called "subscription agreements" and will include full ratchet anti-dilution

6. Artist royalties to now have hurdle rates

5. Promos to be called "red herrings"

4. Bands won’t be dropped, they’ll be spun out to the original shareholders

3. Hip-hop artists will openly boast about the size of their "tranches"

2. Promotion men will hype radio stations by claiming new releases are "upper quartile"

1. Staff lay-offs will be called “involuntary redemptions”

Bonus: Demo tapes out, pro-forma business plans in

(via independent sources; image from ipressonline)