If you’ve been screwing around online at your desk instead of doing work, you’ve probably seen the lists of "best back-to-school cars" from Edmunds, MSN and Kelley Blue Book. They trot them out every year and, as expected, every car they pick is reasonably affordable and relatively safe because, let’s face it — your kid is going to total it.
The lists are generally about as exciting as a down-ticket speech at a political convention. As Jack Nerad of Kelly Blue Book says, the recommendations reflect the fact that "vehicles are better built and better equipped than ever before, and there are a variety of body-style options available to suit the needs of any parent, and inevitably satisfy the wants of any teen."
Of course, most parents aren’t going to get their daughter a new Miata or send Junior off to college in a Ford Mustang. Being realists, we here at Autopia took a look at what kids are actually driving these days.
First up is the ever-popular Grandma’s Car. It’s only sensible to give an inexperienced driver the keys to an aging boat that sat in a garage without proper maintenance. Old-school Buick Regals and Chrysler New Yorkers have more padding on the roof than on the dash, and the only airbags are the broken ones in the rear suspension. Despite obvious safety flaws, Grandma’s Car is a best pick for parents who want their teens to wait until marriage: There’s no worse gamekiller than finding a receipt for Metamucil between those bench seat cushions. Bonus points if the opera lights still work.
Next is This Was My Mom’s Car but She Got a New One (TWMMCBSGANO), usually driven by the son or daughter of the popular girl you used to hate in high school. Whether it’s a Lexus RX330 or a BMW 5-series, the driver’s name isn’t on the title and it’s paid off. Though it might be the safest car on the road, don’t let your kid ride with the friend lucky enough to drive it: It’ll probably end up wrapped around a tree with all 10 airbags deployed. Bonus points if the newscaster reporting the crash mentions the age of the driver and the name of the car with disdain and jealousy ("a seventeen year old driving a 2005 Land Rover is in serious condition tonight …)
Every high school parking lot has the Fixer Upper, also known as The Project Car, an 18- to 20-year-old heap in a constant state of upgrade and repair. Driven by budding automotive enthusiasts who usually end up carpooling, this choice transcends culture and geography. Kids in Arkansas often favor Bondo’d and lifted F-150s which predate their birth, while kids in L.A. will lower their carbon-fiber-hooded Accords and dream of JDM engines. If your kid buys one of these off Craigslist, prepare to spend a lot of time cleaning oil off your driveway. Bonus points if your kid sells it to one of his friends for $200 after blowing the head gasket.
Nothing says "my parents only helped me buy a car because they want me out of the house" more than the Total Piece of Crap. It isn’t fast, it isn’t safe and it probably isn’t properly insured — but it gets kids whose parents hate them to their seven-hour shift washing dishes or busing tables. No after-school activities for you, mister. Your parents had you for the tax benefits and started charging you rent in sixth grade to pay for their yearly Caribbean vacation. Sure, you learn responsibility, but you don’t learn calculus because you’re too busy working to pay for your car so you can get to work to pay for your car. Get used to your Dodge Shadow, buddy — this is the first of many disappointments in your life. Bonus points for every bumper sticker plastered over a rust spot.
Finally, there’s the Daddy Bought Me a Car! Tiny, ugly and no older than a 2006, these cars were surprise 16th birthday presents from parents who know nothing about cars. You know, the sort of folks who buy something off the lot on their first trip to the dealer? The only option you’re going to find in one of these is an automatic transmission, as the clueless parents got talked into skipping optional ABS and side airbags. Expect to see an insurance claim on one of these during the first month of ownership. The good news is that carmakers have stopped churning out a lot of this crap. With the demise of the Cavalier, Neon and Escort, parents can purchase much better inexpensive choices such as the Ford Focus and Hyundai Sonata. Bonus points if there are any bumper stickers or license plate frames that feature the word "princess."
Photo by flickr user Wellstone.
Post updated 10 a.m. Aug. 29.
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