Gallery: Flophouse: The Epic Entertainment Fails of 2012
01battleship
There was a lot to anticipate in world of entertainment in 2012, but not everything lived up to the hype. From movie blockbusters to comics reboots, we've made a list of the media that disappointed us most over the last 12 months – or at least the glorious failures we enjoyed watching implode from afar. The *Battleship* That Sunk Itself --------------------------------- Look. It's not like I was expecting *Battleship* to be great – no one was really betting the farm on a movie based on a board game being epic or anything – but as a pretty big fan of schlock, I thought it might at least be, you know, fun. Not to mention the one-two-three punch of eye candy served up by Taylor Kitsch, Rihanna, and Alexander Skarsgård showed promise. Sadly, [*Battleship* turned out](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2012/05/battleship-review/) to be flatter than an aircraft carrier – chocked full of whack dialogue, lacking in fleshed-out characters and a watered-down plot about alien invasions at sea that was just a face-palm in cinematic form. The shape-shifting alien ships were kind of cool and the big battle scenes were nice and all, but six months after seeing it I can remember very few highlights and I’m pretty sure *Battleship* was battles and ships, and not much else. Considering the source material, it's possible *Battleship* is the best movie that could've been made about a [strategy game](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battleship_(game)) that seems fun once a year when stuck at an elderly relative's house. But even though I love a big blow-'em-up popcorn flick, *Battleship* just didn't float my boat. *—Angela Watercutter*
02abraham-lincoln-vampire-hunter-9
*Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter*, Humorless Hatchet Man -------------------------------------------------------- How can a movie with this title be no fun at all? It sounded good on paper. Producer Tim Burton and talented Russian filmmaker [Timur Bekmambetov](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0067457/), who directed the exciting *Wanted*, would team with clever writer Seth Grahame-Smith to make a rollicking summer movie popcorn entertainment. If only. As it turns out, nobody in the the drab *Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter* says anything interesting, nothing new is revealed about either vampires or the man who ended slavery in America, and the novelty of seeing an iconic President taking an axe to blood-sucking demons wears off by the second act. The weird thing is, Steven Spielberg and Daniel Day-Lewis' historically accurate *Lincoln* is at times witty, funny, and far more entertaining than the one-note version presented by Benjamin Walker in this unnecessarily somber fantasy. As for the vampires, they dress in 19th century garb but otherwise don't do much in the way of carnage that can't be seen every week on *True Blood*. —*Hugh Hart*
Courtesy of Columbia Pictures03ghost-rider-spirit-of-vengeance
Flame On: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance ------------------------------------------ I felt totally burned by Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. After getting a [first fiery glimpse of the movie](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2011/07/ghost-rider-spirit-of-vengeance/) at last summer's Comic-Con International, I waited impatiently all winter to be blasted by the flames emanating from the possessed biker's skull. But while all that fire and bubbling tar still looked great on the big screen, the "making of" bits revealed at Comic-Con turned out to be far more intriguing than the Spirit of Vengeance storyline. *[Crank](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crank_(film))* directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor nailed the charred look of the Rider — and delivered some awesome chain-whipping, motorcycle-flogging action shots — but failed on almost every other front. Even Nicolas Cage, who can crank up the crazy with the best of them, seemed strangely subdued in this slow-moving film that was ultimately about as exciting as firing up a can of Sterno. *[Spirit of Vengeance](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_Rider:_Spirit_of_Vengeance)* was still better than the original Ghost Rider, scoring points for the insane look of the Marvel Comics character and the sequel's darker tone, but not by much. *—Lewis Wallace*
04revolution-2
The Lights Never Came on for *Revolution* ----------------------------------------- Set 15 years after a worldwide blackout, *Revolution* lifted off with a premise that had so much promise that the handsome pilot episode seemed like it could be the start of a [beautiful, brainy mythology](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2012/09/review-revolution/). But since the series' September launch, what could have been a thought-provoking thrill ride turned week by week into episodic dollops of cardboard characters, wooden acting, cliché dialogue, boring bad guys and routine action sequences. Many TV viewers beg to differ. *Revolution* does well in the ratings. But creatively, it's a flop. The pilot episode's haunting vistas picturing a post-technological future America has largely given way to straight-ahead shots of forest and fields. The cross-bow shooting survivalist Charlie Matheson (Tracy Spiridakos), briefly the show's driving force, has now become one of many players, and she rarely gets to do much except widen her eyes in fear, run, and ask questions. The swordplay from Charlie’s uncle Miles (Billy Burke) seems rote while Capt. Tom Neville, played by Giancarlo Esposito, get very little to work with. Chemistry between cast members? Nada. Here's hoping *Revolution*, which has been renewed for a full season, starts digging deeper and gets stranger. Prime time can use a show that dramatizes big questions in fresh ways. So far, *Revolution* is not that show. —*Hugh Hart*
05the-lorax-movie
I Am The Lorax, I Speak for the Thneeds --------------------------------------- One of the more egregious hacks of a source text ever committed to pop culture, Illumination Entertainment's adaptation of Dr. Seuss' environmental and economic fable [The Lorax](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lorax) was heresy on screen but not at the box office, where it domestically [chopped down over $200 million](http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=lorax.htm). It's hard to know where to start, when it comes to how bad Seuss' activist original got mauled. Perhaps it was how one of the few times the legendary author's whimsical text made it *into* the film, a character played by Disney heartthrob Zac Efron, said, "[What does that even *mean*?](http://www.npr.org/2012/03/02/147573582/the-lorax-a-campy-and-whimsical-seussical)" and the other, played by pop starlet Taylor Swift reply, "I know, right?" (Shudder.) Efron and Swift's love story alone was a mass distraction, as it similarly stomped all over Seuss' ecological original, which had everything to do with mindless consumption and nothing to do with tween romance. But the majority of The Lorax's sad damage came from the film's marketing, which hilariously hawked Mazda SUVs, disposable diapers, [HP printers](http://www.hp.com/united-states/campaigns/lorax/?jumpid=ex_r11400_go_lorax) -- which print on dead trees, for Truffula's sake! -- and other utterly unrelated products from Illumination's 70 "[launch partners](http://www.motherjones.com/blue-marble/2012/02/lorax-blowing-smogulous-smoke)." (Try not to hurl chowing down the pink icing on IHOP's Truffula Chip Pancakes.) The fact that The Lorax killed at the box office while mind-wiping environmental dystopias like the must-see [Chasing Ice](http://www.chasingice.com) have to struggle for swimming room is worse than an injustice. —*Scott Thill*
06total-recall
Please Help Me Forget *Total Recall* ------------------------------------ In the future, there will be no uninspired remakes of classic sci-fi films. Movies will be plucked from the brains of inherently creative filmmakers; we will all fly around using jetpacks, and the workweek will be only five hours long (and not because our employers are trying to avoid paying health benefits). Yeah, right. Unfortunately, [soulless rehashes like 2012's *Total Recall*](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2012/08/review-total-recall-remake/) look like a permanent part of the dreary dystopia known as Hollywood. Sleek-looking yet lifeless aside from a few flashy scenes, Len Wiseman's retread pales in comparison to [Paul Verhoeven's energetic original](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Total_Recall_(1990_film)) from two decades ago. Most of the memories I have of this year's model are simply dull and depressing — even the [three-breasted hooker](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2012/07/pl_totalrecall/) was a bore this time around. —*Lewis Wallace*
07john-carter
Money Pit *John Carter* ----------------------- Studio executives usually get pegged as the villains when they second-guess a filmmaker's creative vision, but in the case of Walt Disney Pictures' costly sci-fi flop *John Carter*, a little blowback from studio suits might have been useful. Then again, former Disney boss Rich Ross, who left the company a few weeks after *John Carter* bombed, had reason to remain hands off. *John Carter* writer-director [Andrew Stanton](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004056/) includes *Wall\*E* and *Toy Story* among his credits. Further box office insurance: the movie was being overseen by Pixar, famous for its freakishly stellar track record since producing *Toy Story* in 1995. Who would know better than Stanton / Pixar about what it takes to make a crowd-pleasing smash? But *John Carter*, shot for a reported $250 million, failed to connect with audiences. Scenarios that probably felt original when Carter creator Edgar Rice Burroughs [fantasized about Mars in the 1940's](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Carter_of_Mars_(collection)) had now been seen hundreds of times on the big screen. Critics hammered the movie for slow pacing and overly familiar story points despite an army of technically impressive CGI creatures. Fair warning to animation auteurs: live-action's not as easy as it looks. —*Hugh Hart*
.08before-watchmen
Before Watchmen Was Better the First Time ----------------------------------------- [Watchmen](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Watchmen), writer Alan Moore and artist Dave Gibbons's epochal '80s deconstruction of superheroes, power and perversion greatly helped sequence the genes of our current comics-based takeover of pop culture. Its towering influence was so prodigious that even director Zack Snyder's (mostly) faithful 2009 film adaptation (mostly) got the gas face from comics geeks, and did nothing to narrow the widening [dissension between DC Comics and Moore](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2010/07/alan-moore-watchmen). That volcanic beef added extratextual intrigue to DC Comics' decision to go ahead and reboot Watchmen's legend without Moore's approval this year as the sprawling [Before Watchmen miniseries](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2012/02/exclusive-before-watchmen). But despite a thumbs-up (but no participation) from Gibbons, and a pretty stable writer and artist roster spearheaded by Ozymandias artist Jae Lee, Before Watchmen stalled right out of the gate. From a Minutemen opener that aped Moore's style while metafictionally asserting "[this is terrible](http://www.morphizm.com/css/?p=2935)" to laughable character arcs for The Comedian (he didn't take JFK's assassination well) and rerun explorations into Dr. Manhattan and Rorschach's already well-established backstories and psyches, Before Watchmen drove us somewhere we've already been before in a more convincing hellride. In the end, the whole thing was a better vehicle for controversy and perhaps even sales (although we won't know until 2012 is up) than comics ambition. A missed opportunity all around. —*Scott Thill*
09gameofthrones
What's Bad for Mitt Romney Is Good for the Internet --------------------------------------------------- In the annals of history, Mitt Romney should be known as the Face the Launched a Thousand Reblogs. As a presidential candidate Romney always looked so polished and put-together (I swear that hair *never* moved), but in the gladiator pits known as the presidential debates he seemed totally unable to open his mouth without sticking his foot in it. From his comment about "[binders full of women](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2012/10/romney-binders-full-of-women-meme/)" to his [slight against Big Bird](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/2012/10/internet-big-bird-romney/) in saying he'd defund PBS, Romney just seemed to say all the wrong things (even if they were accurate to his policy positions). And then there was that time he got fact-checked live [by moderator Candy Crowley](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/16/candy-crowley-fact-checks-mitt-romney-libya_n_1972313.html). But what Romney giveth, the internet taketh and turn into memes galore. [Tumblrs exploded overnight](http://bindersfullofwomen.tumblr.com/), [Twitter parody accounts](https://twitter.com/BlGBlRD) showed up in a matter of minutes, and nerds everywhere had a field day – turning Romney's #Fail into the web's #Win. —*Angela Watercutter* What about you? How about you? What were your favorite -- or rather, least favorite -- flops of 2012?
