Doctor Answers Surrogacy Questions

Hi, I am Kim Bergman, psychologist, author

and surrogacy expert, Senior Partner at Growing Generations.

I'm here to answer your questions from the internet.

This is Surrogacy Support.

[energetic music]

From the Our Advice subreddit, is it wrong for me

to want a surrogate even though I'm capable

of having children?

This is a very controversial topic.

It depends on what your reasoning is,

even though you think you don't have one.

We might uncover

that actually you have a lot of anxiety about being pregnant

or you have some PTSD about something

that happened in your past or someone you know

or relative who died in childbirth.

There actually could be many reasons underlying your wish

to use a surrogate that you're not even aware of.

So we would explore that of course.

Then some of the more sort

of gray areas, your career is taking off

and your career is one where if you took the time off

to have a baby, you would be left behind.

Here's where I land and it is a little controversial.

Third party-assisted reproduction is an expression

of reproductive freedom, not just for you,

but also for this gestational carrier.

The carrier should be fully informed.

She should know everything about that family,

why they're coming to surrogacy, what their needs are,

what their feelings are, what their wishes are,

and she can choose.

And I'm not really weighing in on whether it's right

or wrong, but I can tell you truthfully, anecdotally,

many gestational carriers do not care.

They believe in surrogacy as a way to create families

and they often do not have a judgment about why.

I know a lot of people are curious about celebrities

who use a surrogate.

There is a lot that goes on

that the public doesn't know about.

So it may look like a celebrity's just choosing a surrogate

out of ease or comfort or vanity.

It isn't always the case.

Often, those celebrities have a reason to use a surrogate,

but they're keeping it private.

I know what people are thinking, but it's a celebrity.

It's a lot of money.

It's exploitive.

Yeah, those things come to play,

and that's why you need really good experts

who can tease out what's really going on

and help to make this the most ethical process possible.

Our next question is from Puzzleheaded-Tell480.

Surrogacy, exploitive or empowering?

It could be either.

When it is done right, absolutely empowering.

Surrogate is fully screened,

her home life, her financial status, her background,

her pregnancy history.

She is in it for the right reason.

I wanna give the gift of motherhood to somebody else.

This is not my baby.

I am not giving away my baby.

I am actually partnering with these intended parents

to make their dream come true.

How powerful?

How amazing am I?

The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

for the surrogate is the look on the parents' faces

when they lay eyes on their baby for the first time.

That is an incredibly empowering moment.

Yes, of course, it can be exploited if it's not done right.

You know, this is a delicate process

and everybody really needs

to be doing this the most ethically that it can be done.

That all of the experts are doing their job,

that everybody is communicating, that there's transparency,

authenticity, honesty, expectations are set correctly,

that there are legal contracts in place, that there are all

of the safeguards and guardrails that we have

that are readily available.

And when that happens, this is an incredibly beautiful

and empowering experience.

You have to remember, they're fully screened,

they're fully informed and consented.

We only take the top one to 2%.

The screening process is multi-layered and several months

and a big commitment.

So they really have to be full in.

One of the tells for me is that a lot of women

who are surrogates go on

after the surrogacy to do something in their lives

that they didn't feel empowered to do before.

They really see the act of giving birth

to someone else's baby

and seeing the joy, that accomplishment empowers them

to go on in life

and do even more things

that are an expression of self-actualization.

Merciful Kindness asks, What's surrogacy?

In vitro fertilization?

Surrogacy is essentially third party-assisted reproduction

where people outside of the intended parents help

the intended parents become parents,

and the surrogate is the person who carries that baby.

In vitro fertilization is completely separate.

That is how embryos are made outside of the woman's body,

and that is where the egg is retrieved from the intended mom

or an egg donor.

The egg and the sperm are fertilized in the lab

and then tested and then that becomes the embryos.

Surrogacy is used for a number of different reasons.

Probably the number one reason

is that the intended parents have some kind

of a medical reason that they cannot carry their own child.

Next, anyone who doesn't have a uterus needs the help

of a gestational carrier, which is the kind of technical way

that we refer to surrogates.

So really, anytime the parents need help,

this is when a gestational carrier can step in and help.

A Quora user asks, How realistic is the scenario in Friends

or Phoebe is a surrogate for her brother?

It's not unrealistic.

If the sister qualifies medically,

psychologically, if she wants to do it.

The one issue that we really wanna safeguard when surrogacy

is happening within a family setting

or friends, is that no one is being exploited.

And by that I mean it can be hard to say no to your brother

or no to your infertile sister.

It's not really exploitation

as much as it is gentle unconscious coercion

because it is hard to say no to somebody you love.

But it does happen and it can happen beautifully.

When it happens though, experts still really need

to be involved even more so.

Jimmy Johnny23, What happens if a surrogate mother decides

she wants to keep the baby?

That is the number one fear of people

who are embarking on having a baby through surrogacy,

but it isn't actually a real thing.

In years of me doing this, I have never had a surrogate want

to keep a baby, try to keep a baby, need

to be talked out of keeping a baby.

From the surrogate's perspective,

this would be like kidnapping your baby.

She does not feel like the baby's parent.

She is not connected to the baby in that way.

She is crystal clear

she's doing this for you so you can have a baby.

Now, having said all of that,

the legal contracts are really clear.

She does not have a legal right to the baby as long

as the contract and the surrogacy is taking place

in a state where surrogacy is safe and legal

and the contracts are observed,

and that is not all states in the US.

it's really important

that lawyers weigh in from day one to make sure

that the agreement is legally binding.

But as long as it is,

she has no legal standing even if she wanted to.

But again, that's not really good enough.

We don't want a surrogate to be unhappy

and regretting this decision.

So the screening is really where this comes in.

I'll say most agencies have

a very rigorous screening process and that screening process

is what ends up having in 30 years never having had

a surrogate even question whose baby it is and who takes

the baby home.

Broccoli Custard asks, What's the difference

between traditional surrogacy and gestational surrogacy?

Gestational surrogacy is what most people are doing.

That is when the gestational carrier

is not genetically related to the embryo.

The embryo is made through IVF,

that embryo is transferred into the surrogate's uterus

and that surrogate is on hormones to support the pregnancy.

Traditional surrogacy is where the surrogate's egg is used

and it is fertilized by the father

or a sperm donor sperm for the intended parents

so that in that case the baby is genetically related

to the surrogate.

Mushroom Popular 4280,

If a surrogate aborts, her body, her choice.

It is addressed in the contract in terms

of what the parents' preferences would be if something

was found to be wrong with the baby

and the parents wanted to abort,

but ultimately it is the surrogate's choice,

and this is why the screening process is so important.

This surrogate is asked multiple times about this

through multiple channels by multiple professionals.

And no one wants to have an abortion.

It's never anybody's choice.

But if a surrogate says something like this won't happen

to me or I would never abort my own baby,

we're just gonna have questions about whether

or not she should be a surrogate,

not because we believe in abortion or against abortion,

but because we want her to be safe and happy at the end,

and we don't want her to be in a position

where she's uncomfortable.

So most of the time, the surrogate's position

on abortion is something like this.

I hope we don't have to have one,

but of course I would have one if the parents wanted me to.

Now, I will also say embryos are typically being tested

for different fetal abnormalities.

We've only had one case of a fetal abnormality

that necessitated a termination

and in that case the parents did choose

to terminate, the surrogate did terminate,

and we provide a lot of support for everybody

when that happens.

It is a rare recurrence,

but it is ultimately the surrogate's choice,

which is why we need to be really clear at the outset

how she would feel about it.

The other half of the question

that you might be asking is if she wants

to have an abortion, yes, she can have an abortion.

We've had very, very few cases ever in the whole 30 years

of a surrogate needing to abort

because of a fetal abnormality.

We have always had surrogates be willing

to do it if it happened,

but we have never had a surrogate have

an an abortion just because.

There may be some contractual repercussions,

but in terms of her body,

ultimately it's her body, it's her choice.

Organic Mother.

Can a woman become a surrogate more than once?

Yes.

If the first surrogacy goes well, there is a limit

to the number of overall pregnancies

a gestational carrier can have.

After six pregnancies with the risks

of something going wrong is higher,

and at the end of the day,

surrogacy is optional for the surrogate.

It has to absolutely to the best

of our ability do no harm to her.

So if she's had, let's say four of her own kids,

she could be a surrogate twice.

About 25% of our surrogates do come back.

Many of those will be a sibling journey for the same family.

Many surrogates are very happy to have done one and done.

This is a calling for them, it's a project.

It's something they feel really good

about having accomplished.

A Quora user ask, What happens legally

if a surrogate miscarries?

Most of the time if a surrogate miscarries,

she miscarries early in the pregnancy

the very first trimester.

So from a legal perspective, nothing happens.

The miscarriage will be completed, then typically speaking,

the doctor will wait one or two cycles and then step in

and do another embryo transfer.

If the miscarriage happens later,

the doctor will want the parents to match

with a new surrogate

just because that surrogate having a late miscarriage

is a high risk for future miscarriages.

So in that case, the contract between the parents

and the surrogate will be terminated amicably

and then this parent will be rematched with a new surrogate.

So you may be wondering about the compensation

for the surrogate if something happens to the pregnancy.

When the surrogate goes for that first embryo transfer,

she is paid a small portion of her total compensation

because it is inconvenient

and there's a, you know, time off work and all of that.

Then once she's pregnant,

her compensation is paid monthly throughout the pregnancy

all the way through to the end.

So if she has a miscarriage, the compensation will stop

at that point, but she already will have been compensated

for the time that she was pregnant.

Quora user asks,

Do surrogate mothers have the same job protection

as non-surrogate mothers like not being able

to lose a job if bedridden?

Legally, they are still a pregnant person

and they have all the same rights

as any other pregnant person.

Having said that, it does happen

that employers do not treat them the same way

and they need some extra help

with advocating for themselves.

Fantastic Fortune 716, Surrogacy, where to begin?

If you are thinking about surrogacy, most likely,

you have been having some difficulty having

a baby the old fashioned way.

Surrogacy is not plan A.

It is often not plan B, it is often plan C or D

after all other things have been exhausted.

And in that process, there's gonna be a lot

of normal healthy grieving.

Grieving whether you're able to carry your baby yourself

or if you need to use outside help,

an egg donor or a sperm donor.

All of these are not the way we grow up thinking

we're gonna become parents.

So there is some natural grieving that has to happen

and then acceptance and then forward looking,

because surrogacy is very successful if that is your path.

One of my favorite things talking

to new perspective intended parents

who are considering surrogacy is seeing the light kind

of go on for them that they have had trouble, problems,

challenges, setbacks, disappointment, frustration, tragedy,

and now I am hopefully offering some hope.

So if you're the intended parents,

where to begin is probably Googling,

I wanna have a baby through a surrogate,

and then you're gonna find lots of resources online

and then you will do your due diligence, meet

with some agencies, meet with some doctors, get information,

and then make your choices.

Third party reproduction is a village experience.

It requires a lot of experts.

You're picking your team basically,

and you wanna pick the team that really has your back

and you feel really good about.

So that's how where to start as an intended parent.

For the woman who is considering surrogacy,

this is typically someone who has given birth.

They've had easy, safe,

uneventful pregnancies and deliveries.

They love being pregnant.

And sidebar, I know a lot of people cannot believe that,

but there are a lot of women who really love being pregnant.

Their families are complete and their joy in life

is being a mom and they realize that they could give

that ultimate gift to someone else.

If you are wanting to be a surrogate,

where to start isn't all that different.

You're gonna probably Google, can I be a surrogate?

You're gonna find lots of resources.

You're gonna reach out first to an agency or two

or three, figure out how they do things, see

who is a good fit for you,

meet the actual people involved in the agencies.

There are a lot of resources that can be very helpful.

One of my favorites is familyequality.org, which has a lot

of resources for you.

Resolve.org, that's another one.

Those are US organizations.

Both organizations focus on advocacy, education

and support as well as really the nitty gritty of how to.

There are referrals there.

There are places you can find funding sources, loans.

There are doctors that you can find through those two sites.

So those would be my two go-tos.

Blew Hour Echo writes,

We just had our son via surrogacy in Mexico.

Back home and getting judged.

Feeling lost.

That's really unfortunate.

There's so many different ways I can answer this question

and I'm gonna try to answer all of them.

So number one, you're being judged

'cause you're gay dads.

Your son doesn't have a mom

and your son doesn't need a mom

and you are gonna be your son's best advocate.

Daddy and papa knew we wanted you.

We always wanted to be dads

and we had help from one woman who did this

and one woman who did that.

I mean, this is why I wrote a children's book,

You Began As A Wish.

We prayed for you, we wanted you, we talked about you.

We always knew you were meant to be ours, and here you are

and we couldn't love you more

and we're thrilled to be your daddy and your papa.

If you're getting hassled

because you had the help of a surrogate,

grownups, you know, can be really judgy.

People don't always understand and aren't always kind,

but you know why you had a baby through surrogacy

and your baby will feel the love.

If the judgment is because you went to Mexico,

that's just silly because you went the path that allowed you

to make this happen for yourself.

Now, I don't wanna pry and assume,

but it's possible that the judgment about going to Mexico

is because there's an idea

that surrogates in developing nations are being exploited.

The rules and the laws are not as protective

as they are in the US,

but you'll have to share the integrity

of the experience you had.

If you feel good about it, if you know

that your surrogate was treated right

and you had a great experience,

that's what you have to share.

We Will Mock You asks, What happens if the intended parents

of a surrogate baby change their mind?

The only way they can relinquish

is to relinquish the baby the same way

they would relinquish a naturally born baby.

They cannot just nullify the contract,

they cannot change their mind.

That is their baby no matter what.

In order to use a surrogate, you have to name two sets

of alternate guardians

who would take the baby in case you die

while the surrogate is pregnant.

So if you abandon the baby, one of those sets

of guardians will be required to take that baby

and be the legal guardian of that baby.

And I will say, it just doesn't happen

that intended parents abandon their baby.

It's complicated.

Lawyers get involved

and lawyers make things happen in a legal way,

but it is very, very, very, very rare.

Niakatza, How do surrogacy agencies recruit women?

What's their socioeconomic status?

Where do they live?

How much money is offered to them?

There are a lot of misconceptions

about who surrogates are and why they do it.

Most people think surrogates are, you know,

young, opportunistic, in it for the money.

This couldn't be further from the truth.

Typically, surrogates are in their mid 20s

to late 30s.

Stable lives, stable relationships.

They have a village around them, they have good jobs.

They are coming to this process as a really kind

of like a project that they wanna take on that's ancillary

to their already pretty beautiful, well-established lives.

People who wanna be surrogates

are often in helping professions.

It's a similar mindset.

So a lot of nurses

and school teachers, preschool teachers.

We specifically do not recruit women to be surrogates.

We want women who want to be surrogates to find us

and then we put them through the screening process.

Socioeconomically, they have

to be at a certain financial level

depending on where they live.

So they cannot be on food stamps or state aid.

And this is not a judgment, it's just simply the women

who are gonna be surrogates really need to be food stable,

home stable, financially stable.

They cannot depend on the surrogacy compensation

to feed their kids.

It does put exploitation on the table.

So we want surrogates

for whom the surrogacy compensation is gravy.

The compensation varies depending on the agency.

At Growing Generations,

our compensation's on the higher end.

It is part of how we end up with only one to 2% of women

who want to be surrogates.

We're very rigorous.

We put them through a lot.

So it starts at about $75,000,

and then of course all their expenses are also paid.

The money is for the pain

and suffering, the inconvenience, the risk.

You know, this is not a nine month process.

From the time the surrogate applies

to be a surrogate till she delivers a baby, two years.

Could be longer.

From Stone 500, My wife offered to be a surrogate

for our friends without talking to me about it first.

How upset am I allowed to be?

You are allowed to be as upset as you are

because those are your feelings and you can have them.

Surrogacy is definitely a family affair

and surrogates need the support of their husbands.

It is not something to be taken lightly,

and as an agency, we would not accept a surrogate

whose husband is not fully on board.

The good news is, in order for your wife to be a surrogate,

she is gonna need a doctor and a lawyer and all

of the parts, and all of those experts will intervene

and let her know that the husband also needs

to be fully informed and fully consenting.

Now, maybe once you understand what the process is,

you get on board and maybe you don't.

The most important thing is that you and your wife are safe

and healthy and feel good about this process.

Again, surrogacy is optional for the surrogate.

It's not optional for intended parents

who are struggling to have a family.

So at the core, fundamentally, it cannot do any harm,

and that includes to your marriage.

So if you guys are not on the same page,

that is not a good foundation for surrogacy.

Throw RA Surrogate 2141 asks,

My sister has been pushing me to be a surrogate.

Now entire family is begging me.

I agreed at first, but now I'm having major second thoughts.

How do I tell them no?

It is hard and there is a lot of pressure.

So to help you, all of us professionals kind

of have fielded these situations.

There are any number

of reasons why you would be disqualified

that are totally benign, something in your blood work,

something in your labs, something in your psych history,

and a professional can help you get out of this.

I have had many cases, it's not usually a surrogate,

it's more often an egg donor

where the egg donor promises her brother

she's gonna be the egg donor and they're all happy family

and they can't wait and they get her in a room.

First thing she says is, I do not wanna do this.

I don't know how to get out of it.

In those situations, we will help you get out

of it while saving face.

It is a really big commitment

and it's not something to be taken lightly

and you definitely don't wanna do it

if you don't wanna do it.

A Quora user asks, What are the risks involved in surrogacy

and how can they be avoided?

So in terms of medically for the gestational carrier,

there are so many medical tests

and things put in place to ensure her safety.

For example, we only accept the top one to 2% of women

who apply because there's sometimes there's small things

in their obstetric history that could sort

of foretell a risk, and the point of that is to protect her

and keep her healthy

as well as obviously the pregnancy and the baby.

All surrogates undergo a psychological assessment.

They have access to a psychologist

throughout the entire journey

so that they can talk about their feelings.

They have a support system if they need it.

Speaking of support systems,

we thoroughly vet a surrogate support system.

So she has to really have a village around her

that's supporting her in this venture.

Surrogacy is completely contract-driven.

The intended parents have a lawyer,

the surrogate has a lawyer, they create a contract together.

This contract spells everything out for everybody.

It is a very safe process from a legal perspective.

Financially, the compensation, all of the expenses, all

of those funds are put into an escrow account

and those bills are paid in real time.

All of this is to say there's a lot of front end planning.

We wanna really reduce surprises.

We want surprises like it's you're pregnant, it's a boy,

it's a girl, but we don't want surprises

that we could have planned for in advance.

So we do a really good job of front ending the whole process

to keep everybody as safe as possible.

Laputa9 asks, Why is surrogacy illegal or limited

in so many European countries?

So-called altruistic surrogacy is legal in many countries.

What is illegal is compensated surrogacy.

That is considered illegal in many countries

because those countries believe

that the surrogate is being exploited.

Further, those countries believe

that whoever delivers the baby is the mother

and they write their laws around that construct.

So if a surrogate delivers a baby,

even if she's not genetically related to the baby,

she's the legal mom.

So contrary to that, in the US, the laws

around surrogacy state

that the intended parents are the parents who intended

for this baby to be born into their family.

So even intended parents who have no genetic connection

to the offspring, they use an egg donor and a sperm donor

and a surrogate, they still have

full legal parental rights to that baby.

They intended for that baby to be born,

and that is the law in the US.

It's very clear.

So all surrogacy is altruistic.

Whether the surrogate's being compensated,

whether she is not, whether her expenses are being paid,

whether they're not, at the core of surrogacy,

ethical surrogacy is altruism.

Surrogates are so generous.

They are really crazy generous.

They are a special kind of generous.

And even though they're being compensated

does not take away from that generosity.

So yes, the argument

that because they're being paid, they're being exploited

is very interesting because it doesn't really make sense.

If the same surrogate would do it not being paid,

isn't that the more exploitative option?

I say, yes, it is a very inconvenient,

it's a two year commitment.

It's, there's risk, there's time away from her family.

This is what she's been compensated for.

It's only exploitive if she wouldn't make the choice

any other way.

If she is going against her own best judgment

because she can't feed her kids.

And that's why surrogates have

to meet a financial requirement.

They have to be free of any financial stress.

From WrecktheRIC, Attachment issues from being removed

from mother due to surrogacy?

This supposes that the surrogate is the mother.

Surrogate is not the mother.

And there is a good body of research that babies born

through surrogacy fared just as well.

There are lots of ways in which the intended parents

can bond with the baby while the surrogate is pregnant,

by participating in the OB care

and things that are shared with the baby through earbuds,

through the uterus, voice and music.

And I think bonding is a very individual process.

The bonding and relationships are just as strong

with the intended parents

and the baby regardless of how the baby was born.

I see kids who are thoroughly loved

and wanted by their parents,

and I don't see any missing in the bonding.

Wolede asks, How much does surrogacy cost?

It's expensive.

At the very lowest, about 150,000,

and it can go up from there.

200,000, even $300,000.

It is, you know, kinda like building a house.

There's just a lot of parts and they all need to be paid.

You've got the agency fee,

you've got the surrogate's compensation,

you've got the doctor's fee, the lawyer's fee,

the medical insurance, the medical expense for the OB care.

There's also the IVF cost, and if you need an egg donor

or a sperm donor.

All of the surrogates travel, all of her lost wages,

all of her expenses around the screening

and the embryo transfer and then the pregnancy

and then postpartum when she's not working.

All of these expenses go into the process.

And what you should get when you start the process is line

by line budget so you know exactly how much it's predicted

to cost from the beginning,

because actually it is very predictable.

A Quora user asks, Does surrogacy assure a healthy baby?

So no pregnancy ever assures a healthy baby.

Pregnancy's risky, but with third party reproduction

in general, there are a lot of safeguards

and guardrails in place that help

to increase the odds of a healthy baby.

Eggs and egg donors are scrutinized, sperm

and sperm donors are scrutinized, the embryos are tested.

The gestational carrier has lots of scrutiny

of her previous pregnancies and OB records.

So the odds are stacked in favor

of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

This is part science, part magic,

part luck, part kind of how it just goes.

So most of the time, surrogacy babies are perfectly healthy,

but miscarriages happen.

There's just no way to completely reduce

or remove all the risks.

Next up from Goblin Mom,

Advice on how to start the process of being a surrogate.

Talk to a couple of different agencies

and ask them if you can talk

to some women who've been surrogates

for their agency.

You'll get a feel for it.

At our agency, many of the frontline people

who interview women who wanna be surrogates

were surrogates themselves

and they are happy to share their experience,

be kind of your partner in this, tell you all about sort

of the highs and lows

and really be there as a resource for you.

But it is a gut check experience

because it's a very human process.

So you wanna feel really good about the people

you're talking to.

Pleasant Choice 6130,

The screening process seems pretty rigorous

for potential surrogates.

Is it the same for intended parents?

So surrogates are screened.

They're going to have

to meet a certain baseline requirements.

They have to have given birth, they have

to have had easy pregnancies and deliveries.

They have to live in a state where surrogacy is safe

and legal, be at a certain financial level.

So they're financially stable.

They have to have the full support of their family

and friends, their boss, their kids if they're old enough.

They have to be absent of any other medical issues.

No drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, no history

of criminal behavior, no arrests.

So there's a lot they have to go through just to get

to the point where they're medically screened,

and then of course they have full labs, blood work,

uterine ultrasound, kind of a head to toe, physical,

full psychological screening.

The intended parents also have

to have a psychoeducational consult.

They also have to have blood work and infectious disease

and all those other things

because their body fluids are going

to be impacting the surrogate.

So all of that needs to be done.

And then they will have a criminal background check.

Okay, from Organic Mother,

What impact does surrogacy have

on the surrogate's mental health?

It should have a positive impact on her mental health.

They will have a very comprehensive psychological assessment

by a mental health professional.

Then in our program,

there's ongoing unlimited psychological support

throughout the process.

Pregnancy can be stressful and there are times

where it can be harmful to her,

and we do our best to mitigate that.

Like for example, if the surrogate

and the intended parents start out with one type

of relationship and through the journey

the relationship changes, the surrogate may be disappointed,

she may not feel cared for,

but hopefully she's been so thoroughly screened

that she can weather those things

because she knows in the process of screening

and in the talking to everybody, that that can happen.

One of the questions we ask the surrogate

is if it didn't go well with the parents

and at the end you never speak to them again,

would that be devastating for you?

And if the surrogate says yes, then to be honest,

she shouldn't be a surrogate, because you never know.

Most people do stay in contact with their surrogate

and with the intended parents, whether it be as little

as being on each other's holiday card list,

being Facebook friends

or being really actual friends, but not everybody.

And the purpose for the surrogate

of being a surrogate shouldn't be to have

a whole new friendship and a whole new family.

If that happens, it's gravy, it's wonderful.

But the purpose for her

should be helping someone become a parent.

And our job in the screening process is to make sure

that we are only letting women go forward

who have that mindset and understand that

so that they're not hurt later.

Not because it's a judgment,

not because she's wrong to feel that way,

but because we wanna make sure

we're not gonna set her up for harm later on.

We wanna make sure expectations are realistic.

It is something we talk about

in great detail at the match meeting.

What is everybody's expectation for this journey together?

So obviously if the parents say,

we really wanna be super involved

and we wanna be friends for life,

and the surrogate wants that too, that's a good match.

But the surrogate still needs

to understand as do the parents,

it may not happen that way.

So there are a lot of things we do

and put in place to safeguard the surrogate's mental health.

It's very important.

Her health in all ways, physical

and mental, are paramount in this process.

This is from the Futurology Subreddit.

Are we too close to making Gattaca a reality?

I...

You've stumped me.

Look, science has taken us really far.

Even in my 30 year career, the science around IVF,

the science around family planning, the science

around what we can and can't do has changed.

There are really clear ethics

and there are very good ethics societies

that write about this and talk about this.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine has papers

about every aspect of this process.

There is a very robust ethical committee,

and that committee explores

and discusses all of these issues.

But I would say for the most part,

the advances in science have been for the better.

Heavens Dump Truck writes,

Would you tell your child

if they were conceived through surrogacy?

Yes, yes.

Giant yes.

Kids wanna know where they came from,

and they don't come out with any preconceived ideas

about where they came from or what it's supposed to be like.

They don't land on the earth knowing it's supposed

to be a mom, a dad,

that they're genetically related to that gave birth to them.

They know love, commitment.

They know consistency.

They know a human being grown up

who's there to take care of them.

So yes, yes, yes, and you tell the story,

some version of this, mommy and daddy, or mommy and mama,

poppy and papa wanted a baby so much and we needed help.

It takes several different ingredients to make a baby,

and we had this one

and that one, but we didn't have this one.

And so a really nice lady helped us with this one

and her name is Susie.

And she helped us because we really wanted you.

We always knew we wanted you.

We wished for you.

We thought about you and we prayed for you,

and we knew you were meant to be our baby,

but we needed help having you.

And so she helped us and we were there when you were born

and you came out and you looked right in my eyes

and you wrapped your fingers around my finger,

and you're our baby.

That's your story.

Babies, children wanna know,

and they will think

it is the most normal thing in the world if you do.

This is everything for today.

I hope you learned something, and I am always here.

If you have questions, find me on the web.

I'm easy to find and I'm happy to be a resource.

Thanks for watching Surrogacy Support.

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